


Day 452

by misschevalier



Series: so many days [1]
Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Multi, Suicide Notes, The Last of Us AU, ray centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-30
Updated: 2014-08-30
Packaged: 2018-02-15 11:10:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2226849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misschevalier/pseuds/misschevalier
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Day 1.<br/>I guess this is where I start. </p><p>Day 452.<br/>I guess this is where I end.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Day 452

**Author's Note:**

> I saw this [prompt ](http://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/comments/256fq7/wp_the_last_entry_of_an_explorers_journal/) and since The Last of Us Remastered Edition was coming out, I was on the vibe to write an AU. I didn't expected to be this sad, but hey, what I can do? **BTW, TRIGGER WARNING** : suicide mention. 
> 
> Enjoy! ♥

Day 1.

I guess this is where I start.

What do I mean with that?

I don’t know.

This is Jack’s notebook. It’s full with entries (1468 days) and doodles, along with a lot of scratches and old photos. I’m guessing he started this when the army finally came to Austin to swap any infected, to keep us “safe.” He’s gone… for the moment, and I will try to keep up with this.

I’m not sure why.

But one thing it’s sure:

I’ll find them.

+

Day 3.

Ashley held my tight today, and told me that everything was going to be fine.

I want to believe her.

+

Day 7.

I’m not sure why I write these entries. I think it’s because Jack always did, and it hurts me seeing the notebook laying around, waiting for him. I guess I should keep company until Jack returns back.

+

Day 10.

The apartment is so cold without them.

+

Day 14.

I dream about that day all the time, even when it happened not a few weeks ago.

I was returning from a job with Burnie, we were talking normally and then we heard them. Their screams, their voices, they were calling each other’s names. When I ran out to the crowd, I see a bunch of soldiers surrounding the entrance to our apartment.

I noticed Jack and Michael kneeling in the dirty floor, muddy from the rain that had fallen that morning. Both of them had their arms behind their head and guns were pointed at their heads; a false movement and they were death.

Two more soldiers came out the door. One of them was holding both Ryan and Gavin. Gavin was crying in pain, since the animal was pulling his hair and telling him to move, while his other hand was on Ryan’s nape. I remember Ryan’s strong voice echoing through the street, yelling at the man to stop hurting Gavin. Of course, that only got him shot in the leg. Stupid soldiers.

Then I remember Geoff’s eyes connecting with mine. I was about to yell his name but Burnie held me, and even when I tried to fight it away, he was stronger than me.

When they were sitting them on the back of the truck, I saw Geoff’s mouth open and all of their eyes fell on me, as if there was no one else around them.

The truck’s doors closed and that was it.

That is my dream.

But I guess it’s more than a nightmare.

+

Day 25.

Burnie and Ashley left the city.

+

Day 27.

I think the only person I know in this city is Matt.

He’s been a good friend, lonely since Jeremy left with Lindsay a few years ago.

I think we should stick together.

+

Day 32.

Everyone I know in the city is gone.

+

Day 37.

♥ I started drawing hearts on my skin with Jack’s pen. Five hearts on my skin, along with my own, very alive, heart. I like to think as reminders to myself, that I will see them again. I know. ♥

+

Day 49.

This apartment doesn’t feel like home anymore.

+

Day 51.

A Firefly tried to kill me today.

I don’t remember what happened, but I got to the apartment shaking and crying.

I don’t have any ration cards left but I’m alive.

I still feel so dead.

+

Day 57.

I haven’t draw hearts on my skin in a while.

I’m too tired right now.

+

Day 60.

Those last days have been impossible for me to open this thing and write a few words. Jack says it helped him, and I guess I say the same but I can’t throw this away.

It just hurts. Also, Jack would be so sad.

+

Day 74.

Days are going by so fast.

The city is loud, people are always screaming and I still can hear the Fireflies jumping in the rooftops, away from the army lights that illuminate the buildings in the night.

The outpost closest to them doesn’t let me sleep, always pointing his fucking light at my fucking window.

They don’t have decency.

+

Day 79.

I can’t sleep.

+

Day 81.

I can’t sleep and I miss their arms wrapped around me.

+

Day 97.

I remembered Red vs. Blue today. You know that scene in which Carolina and Epsilon find the Director watching the video of Allison saying goodbye over and over again?

I think I know how he feels.

Not because I hurt a lot of people and I tried to mess up with their heads.

It was mostly because I know how it feels to repeat a moment over and over, and not being able of doing anything. You sit there, playing over and over again the memory in your head, and blaming yourself because you couldn’t do anything.

I know how you feel, Director.

And I’m so sorry.

+

Day 105.

I’m still in the city. The curfew is still the same: 6am to 6pm.

I saw some guards scanning for more infected people, and they killed on of them in the process. It seems that Austin is getting contaminated, but not as fast as other cities, which I’m not sure if it’s a relief. Also, food and water rations are getting shorter with the days passing by.

It’s sad.

I’m still wearing Geoff’s jacket and Michael’s shirt. Gavin’s shirt is on the bag along with Ryan’s jacket, and Jack’s notebook is falling apart slowly but I’m doing my best to not break it when I write on it. Some pages are yellowish and I’m scared of writing of them.

I’m pretty sure Jack wouldn’t be.

+

Day 111.

I think I know where they are.

I heard they’re taking them to Washington.

I’m not sure why but I’m leaving the city in a few days.

+

Day 124.

I’ll leave tomorrow.

+

Day 135.

Maybe I’m too scared to actually leave.

+

Day 136.

At the entrance of the city, I found one of Geoff’s coins. He used to collect them, back in the day, and since the infection started, he always had one on him.

It was awful seeing the coin lying on the floor.

Geoff was nowhere the entrance.

+

Day 177.

When I’m cold, I remember Geoff. He held me when I was so sick that I could barely move. I was so cold and he just wrapped his arms around me, muttering things to my ear and telling me that I should sleep, so I could go back home soon.

When I’m scared, I remember Ryan. I had a panic attack and the only thing I could focus on was Ryan’s blue eyes, his hands on my hair and his calm voice telling me that everything was going to be okay, and I believed him.

When I’m sad, I remember Jack. Just him, because he was… is the sweetest man I ever met. My favorite thing about him was when he laughed so hard he could barely catch his breath to talk again. That always makes me smile.

When I’m tired, I remember Gavin. I love the kisses he used to give me when I was tired of the world’s shit, he would come to me, a bright smile on his face and start pampering my face with kisses.

When I’m angry, I remember Michael. He was always angry: his computer, Gavin, the coffee machine, at Ryan because he flushed the toilet when he and Geoff were having sex on the shower, any game he was playing, but mostly Gavin. I remember that he was always angry but he always changed his expression because of us. He would always smile, even when he was yelling.

That’s why I keep searching for them.

+

Day 181.

Jack’s pen is running out of ink. I should find another one.

+

Day 197.

It’s hard to keep track of the government’s movements and trying not to die in the process.

My food is running out and I’m not sure if there’s anything head, but I’ll still go that way. I’m not going to lose them.

Not again.

+

Day 200.

Remember AHWU 200? That was awesome.

Jack and Geoff were so happy and proud.

I miss those days.

+

Day 207.

I’m so close to getting them.

I saw trucks driving towards the east. I’ll be watching them unload to see if they’re there.

I know they’re there.

I just need to see them.

+

Day 208.

I lost the track.

I’m lost.

+

 Day 210.

I don’t remember crying this badly since we thought Ryan and Jack were dead because of that stupid car crash (and I remember that I couldn’t stop hugging Jack after they let us in.)

I really miss them. I do. I wish that none of this had happened, that the infection never spread and that no one was affected by it. I’d love to be sitting on the living room playing video games, hearing Michael and Gavin yell at each other, Jack’s typing on his laptop, and Geoff and Ryan in the kitchen, just talking. I’d love to go back to Rooster Teeth and see those amazing people. I’d love to get out of work and return home with the people I love.

I miss them a lot.

+

Day 236.

I woke up because it started raining out of nowhere and there are thunder echoing in the distance, it’s not very pleasant. I saw a sign in the road that lead to a gas station.

Let’s see if there’s anything in there.

+

Day 291.

I been wandering with a map that I found laying on the floor in a gas station. It’s a road map from Arkansas, so I’m guessing it’s where I am now.

I’m alone and night it’s falling, but the infected are nowhere to be seen.

+

Day 302.

Have you even had those kinds of days when you think a lot but you don’t remember what you thought? And your mind it’s just a constant loop of something you’ll easily forget?

Today’s my kind of day.

I’m starving.

+

Day 310.

I entered to El Dorado today. It’s a city in Arkansas, and it seems to be empty.

Lucky, I found a package of colorful pens lying around in a store and I didn’t think twice before taking it.

That’s quite sad.

+

Day 318.

Fucking jackpot: cans of beans, bottled water and clean clothes. I found them on a truck, which was on its side, and it surprises me nobody has found it yet. It’s strange seeing this kind of trucks on the roads anymore.

Well, it’s strange seeing any type of vehicle on the road.

Today’s Geoff’s birthday. It’s very hot and I remember how he liked to cook for us, when it’s supposed to be otherwise. “I’m celebrating I have you,” he always said. For me it didn’t make sense, but we didn’t fight it. Geoff could spend his birthday however he wanted.

A tear smudged the paper, sorry I you can’t read the first word. It’s says fucking.

+

Day 320.

Found Michael’s and Gavin’s necklaces in Jack’s bag, the diamond and the creeper, and I don’t remember seeing them before. They didn’t wear it that day and, sadly, I’m very glad about it. They’re a little bit heavy if you wear them at the same time, but I believe I’m just like fucking Frodo: It’s heavy but its motivation to get to the end.

What a stupid thought.

I miss them.

+

Day 341.

I believe it’s been a while since I saw big buildings like this, and I didn’t miss them at all. After living so many years in Austin, you forget how they actually look up close. I always dislike them, even when they remember me of New York, but that wasn’t home.

Austin was home, right?

+

Day 343.

I’ve killed infected before, but today was the first day I killed a person.

I don’t know how to feel about it.

One thing I’m sure it’s that I felt sick.

+

Day 350.

I saw the body of a kid in the side of the road.

Remember when I said I felt sick a few days ago?

I got rid of it when I threw up.

It was incredibly awful.

+

Day 365.

It’s been 365 days since I took over Jack’s diary and my writing it’s getting better, but never as goods as Jack’s. Also, 365 days since the last time I saw them, and it’s hard to believe because it has been a full year since the first day I started writing in this notebook.

I’m not afraid of leaving pages in blank, but actually not having more space to write on. Actually, I don’t know why I care about writing in this notebook: no one’s going to read it! If I died, no one would care about it.

Unless they found me.

But that’s something I doubt.

Happy one year, then.

+

Day 387.

My brain brought something I haven’t thought in a while.

Mornings. Not the usual morning I have, where the sun finds me up in the corner of a building or just wide awake because I never went to sleep in first place; not that kind of morning, but the morning _we_ used to have.

In which Jack will wake me up with kisses on my face and if I didn’t get up soon, Ryan would pick me up and throw me under the shower, with all the boys laughing behind him. (It wasn’t cruel at all, it was a habit.) I remembered how Geoff’s coffee kisses tasted like, and even how Michael’s hugs felt, and of course, fucking Gavin would jump on my lap, pampering me with his “Good morning, I love you” kisses.

I remember the laughs, the smells, the sounds, the touches, everything.

I don’t want to remember it again.

I want to live it again.

+

Day 398.

I’m sitting under a sign waiting for the rain to stop, and I found out I am where Georgia and Alabama meets. It’s not the primary road (it’s always full of broken cars, and infect are always around them) but the sign itself it’s quite lovely: it’s a peach.

I don’t know why, but my mind brings up Gavin instead of Ryan, I mean, he’s from Georgia.

But I guess my mind brings up Gavin in that silly suit he had to wear for Immersion. Coming down to Atlanta to record that racing car Immersion was so much fun.

For the first time in a while, I smiled at the thought.

+

Day 399.

Bad news: I fell asleep on the top floor in a building, and I got robbed last night (which, I found out later, they were a few hunters around the zone.) They took my food, my water but they didn’t find my gun, which was on my jacket.

Good news: They didn’t take Ryan’s jacket from my bag, neither this notebook (I mean, Jack’s notebook, right?), and that’s good.

Bad news: I’m regretting not getting the driving classes Geoff told me to take. There’s a car parked on the lot under this building, with power and everything, but I don’t want to risk myself.

Even more bad news: It’s starting to rain again.

Worse news: Michael’s and Gavin’s necklaces are gone.

+

Day 401.

I’m officially sick.

+

Day 408.

I was feeling sick a few days ago, but it seemed it was only a cold I caught somewhere while I was walking in the woods. It wasn’t good for my body waking miles sniffing, shivering and with fever, but I think I survived.

Hurray for me.

+

Day 431.

Ryan’s jacket lost his smell today, and somehow that really hurt. I didn’t use it or anything, it was on my backpack and when I took it out today, I was desperately trying to find it again but it was gone. In that moment I really wanted him near, to smile at me or to even hold me when nights are too cold.

I’m going to miss it very much.

UPDATE: Had a panic attack because I was so immersed on my thoughts that I didn’t realized I was having problems breathing. It wasn’t fun, really.

+

Day 441.

I’m tired.

Not only the physical tired of “ _I’ll catch some sleep_ ” tired, but the mentally tired for walking all those miles without them. Everyday it’s getting worse and worse and I don’t know what to do. I miss them, terribly. I want to find them, but after almost a year of searching for them, I have gotten to think they’re dead (but I don’t want to believe it.) I don’t know where they are, if they’re fine in a quarantine zone or somewhere in the states, or maybe death in the middle of a road, or some infected killed them and I’ll never found them.

I’m really tired.

I found some house in the suburbs, they’re falling down and some of them are missing walls and floors, but there was one that seemed it wasn’t going to fall soon enough, and I’m here, writing on some desk in a child’s room. I remember when we talked about adopting, even when it could be weird having six dads but we really didn’t care.

Do you know that pain you feel in the chest when you think about some stuff? I felt it. It’s not nice. I had a panic attack the other day because of it. Walking on the fucking forest alone, open to any kind of danger. Thank you brain, like, really dude.

Also, I’ve been getting this kind of thoughts that aren’t supposed to come to my mind, but they are and there’s no one else to stop them. I guess it’s because that: there’s no one to stop my brain. To kiss me senseless and tell me everything’s going to be fine, or just to hold my hand.

Maybe it’s that.

Maybe I’m just too tired.

+

Day 450.

I’m feeling really good today. It’s very sunny and it’s not too hot.

I’m not sure where I am right now but I’ll figure it out.

+

Day 451.

I’m too tired.

+

Day 452.

I guess this is where I end.

What do I mean with that?

You know what I mean.

If they’re dead, I wish to see them wherever my soul goes.

If they’re alive, I wish them to never found my body.

But if they do…

If you find my body, please, don’t look at it.

Remember that I loved you like nobody else; all of you were the most important thing in my life and I don’t regret any decision I did but I’m sorry for not trying harder.

-Ray ♥

**Author's Note:**

> my [tumblr ♡](http://speaksarcastically.tumblr.com/)


End file.
